YMUW the ultimate rite of passage

Dr. Mark Schillinger continues straightening up people’s lives since becoming a San Rafael chiropractor in 1985. And since 2000, he has been helping young men suffering a different type of pain get back on their feet again.

It was at this time with Steven Smulewitz that he co-founded Young Men’s Ultimate Weekend (YMUW), a non-religious rite of passage program for young men ages 13-20 from all socioeconomic backgrounds.

“Most importantly, what we do at the weekend is teach them to discover who they are; what are their values, their virtues,” Schillinger says. “Because young men are really tired of being told by their parents and by the school and society how they’re supposed to live. They already know that. … I would say that’s our biggest stress is we give the young men a chance to discover who they are.”

YMUW debuts strong

Young Men’s Ultimate Weekend was inspired by Brad Leslie, who started a weekend mentoring program for young men in Vancouver, Canada, in 1990. Schillinger signed himself and his then-15-year-old son up for the program in 1999 as a way to mend a relationship first wounded nearly 10 years prior.

When Schillinger and former wife Suzanne divorced, their son Gabriel and daughter Becca were ages 5 and 6, respectively. “I don’t know that I really noticed the effects when he was a boy, but it was when he was becoming a young man–like 11, 12, 13–where he was being defiant.

“The divorce I know was really painful for my son, and it wasn’t a matter of how much therapy or how much talking we did. It just didn’t seem like he was really recovering from that, whereas my daughter was doing a better job.”

So when the trip to Canada was a success, Schillinger was determined to start a program for his son and friends with his own spin on it.

“I started my life coaching and parent coaching career 15 years ago, in 1999,” he says, adding he used a personal growth method called The RIGHT Way. RIGHT, in this case, stands for the values: respect, intelligence, grace, humor and truth.

“So, I decided to use the personal growth method in the young men’s initiation that I was about to create to teach the mentors and the young men a very specific program about getting their lives together,” Schillinger says.

At the first Young Men’s Ultimate Weekend in Fairfax, Calif., “we were expecting maybe five or 10 young men to show up, and over 200 young men showed up,” Schillinger recalls. “So we knew we were onto something very important.”

Since that event, at least 300 men have volunteered and 3,500 young men have participated in 48 YMUW initiations held from Seattle, Wash., and Portland, Ore., to Sacramento, Sonoma, San Jose, Los Angeles and San Diego. The last event was held locally June 27-29 at the Cove Girl Scout Camp in Napa, and Aug. 15-17 at Nine Miles Falls in Washington. Registration is open for the next event Sept. 12-14 at Boulder Creek Boy Scout Camp in Boulder Creek.

Weekend events encourage personal growth

“When they get there on Friday night, most of them don’t want to be there at first, of course,” Schillinger says. “We tell them right away, ‘We’re not your mommies. We’re not your daddies.’ “

Instead, he emphasizes, “we’re their mentors. We’re there to provide a container for them, a space for them to discover if they have what it takes to make it in this world. And we know they can; we just want to create a space for them to show themselves that they can.”

Everything about the three-day events–from sporting competitions, intellectual challenges, drum circles, a ropes course, community service, trust falls and open forum discussions–is scheduled with the aim to help the young men attending become responsible members of the community.

“It takes four months essentially of hard work to prepare before a weekend,” says Paynes Creek resident Fred Vesey, an event coordinator for Young Men’s Ultimate Weekend. He began volunteering with the organization in 2003.

There are usually 50-60 volunteers a weekend, one man for every young man.

Vesey understands that the event is only three days, and may not seem like enough time to change a young man’s life.

“But I have seen the transformation happen at the end of Saturday,” he says. “The young men are smart. They’re not really broken. There’s nothing really wrong with them. That’s my belief.

“And as soon as they get into an environment with adult males that treat them equally and with respect, they just unfold.”

Campbell resident Brian Hunter–a board member, volunteer and production team manager for YMUW of the South Bay–has also been witness to this. He has been involved with YMUW for more than 12 years after hearing about it through another men’s circle, The Tribe.

There are many highlights from the 21 weekends he has attended, he says, noting the ceremonies, games, food and competition. He shares a specific story to illustrate the importance he believes YMUW has brought to many young men’s lives.

“One Saturday during the obstacle course a [young man] was brought to me because he wanted to go home,” Hunter recalls. “He looked withdrawn, and his eyes rarely looked up. I asked him why.”

He continues: “He related that he just couldn’t finish things. He shared a long story of not finishing things like camp, projects for school. He had a quite long list punctuated by things his family said he could never finish.”

So Hunter asked him to sit by the fire and think about what he would like to change about his life. After a while, he approached the young man with a request.

“Your team is really having a hard time” on the obstacle course, he told him. “Do you think you could go help them finish the course? If after that, you still want to go home, we’ll talk.” Hunter did not see the young man until graduation following the weekend, and noticed a difference.

“He was not the same. He almost shined and he looked everyone in the eye,” Hunter says. “I was proud that the YMUW could encourage such a change.”

He often wonders what would have happened to that young man if he hasn’t experienced initiation.

“Would he have spent the rest of his life not finishing things?” Hunter asks.

Many other young men have made transformations at the weekend, including the volunteers themselves.

“My wife died of cancer in 2004, and that’s a very heavy loss, of course,” Vesey shares.

The story of her life and passing is one that he has been retelling over and over the last few years as the introduction of each weekend’s scheduled grieving ceremony.

“I was healed,” he said of sharing the tale during the last trip. “I felt this healing inside of me after speaking about my wife’s passing. Before, it’s always been very painful, and after the weekend I had two or three days of huge sadness and sorrow, and going that deep to bring that pain back up.

“But I was relieved from it after the last weekend,” Vesey continues. “There was a real personal gratitude and a deep true understanding of the possibilities of the weekend from my own grief.”

Initiation is essential

Those working behind the scenes of Young Men’s Ultimate Weekend share many perspectives as to why they believe the rite of passage is “essential” in society, today more than ever.

San Jose resident Greg Benton, a self-employed architect, shares a quote from Frederick Douglass: “It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.”

“Simply put, much of the world’s problems are caused by men acting like boys,” Benton, a YMUW volunteer since 2002, says. He helped launch the South Bay satellite office in 2003 and is now its event manager. “Ancient men in every successful culture saw this and developed various means to help transition boys into men.”

Schillinger agrees, sharing lessons from visiting a Kenyan society that still initiates its sons.

“If humans really want an Earth where there is more abundance, more prosperity, more safety, more security, it’s only going to become, I believe, about if young men are taught how to channel their beautiful masculine energy into a way that’s gallant, courteous and courageous,” he says. “The community I had a blessing to spend quality time with, the young women and the seniors are happy when the men came for the sons and take them away for three or four days, and initiate them into their responsibilities and initiate them into their own values and initiate them into how they’re going to give those values back to their community.”

Schillinger believes our lack of a formal rite of passage causes young men and women to be confused about their roles and act out.

“I think this is an adult issue where we need to create a place other than a mall or a gang for them to discover what they are really made of and how to share their gifts with the community,” Schillinger says.

It is also a problem of communication between the young men and parents, which Schillinger is also working on mending.

Communication is key

“At the same time there is a weekend–the initiation for the young men–I lead a workshop with a relationship coach for the parents of the sons who are going to their initiations to teach them how to be way more effective in their communication and motivational skills with their son,” Schillinger says.

Vesey emphasizes the importance that parents attend to equal of their sons attending Young Men’s Ultimate Weekend.

“Even if you send the young men to the weekend, if the parents don’t do some work on themselves, they’re going to fall right back into the same situation,” he says. “So, I suggest all of my parents who call me with their sons that it’s as important for you to do the workshop as it is for your young man to do the weekend, because then you both start fresh.”

While there are many lessons to be learned and habits to be broken, Schillinger shares common flaws.

“The first thing I think the parents need to learn is to not yell and react because when they react, even though they care, they’re setting off their son’s limbic system, that part of their brain that sees their parent as the enemy…and so they get into these yelling matches,” he says.

He continues: “The next issue that parents need to learn is how to say things to their son in just five sentences or less because young men don’t have the brain capacity–their brain is not fully developed–for psychological engagement. So the parents tend to overreact, which makes their sons go into competition mode and then they go into long discussions that their sons don’t really have the concentration skills for.”

Finally and “ultimately, I think the young men learn to not trust their parents because the parents act as if they’re not listening to their sons. And the sons really feel the pain and the turnoff of not having the joy that their parents really know them…so young men act out,” Schillinger concludes.

The many lessons learned through both the parent workshop and YMUW has been complimented by volunteers, city dignitaries, young men and parents alike.

“I feel like I have my son back,” parent Lisa Sides writes. “He answers questions with words instead of grunts. He initiates conversation instead of avoiding us at all costs. He’s cooperating instead of arguing about everything. And most noticeably he’s being kind and helpful, and he seems happy instead of angry all the time. The whole household feels lighter, and we’re even joking and laughing again.”

YMUW graduate Nick Bowden shares his positive insight from attending.

“Everything I do revolves around the values that I gained from the YMUW,” he writes. “Now it is a way of life for me. It has given me a purpose. Today my life is about what I can do for others. Since my weekend, I have helped produce six Young Men’s Ultimate Weekends. I also mentor young men on a daily basis. I am making sure that we, as a society, don’t forget about young men.”

The ultimate success story, however, can be told by the co-founder of YMUW.

“Honestly, I am the most blessed man in the world once I learned how to relax and not react to my son and respond in a healthy way,” Schillinger says. “We own a recording studio together, so we are best friends and we do business together every day.”

Young Men’s Ultimate Weekend at Boulder Creek Boy Scout Camp takes place Sept. 12-14. The cost is $250. To volunteer or sign up, visit ymuw.org, email info@ymuw.org or call 800.719.9302. The parenting workshop takes place Sept. 13-14 in Santa Cruz. To register, call Dr. Mark Schillinger at 415.785.8818 or email info@challengingteenagesons.com.